So you want to be a godman in India?
Who can blame you? It’s an excellent career choice, combining unlimited revenue potential with unconditional love.
Here are a few useful tips to get you started.
Get a good shampoo
Lustrous hair is crucial. A flowing beard is more or less mandatory. Invest in a good shampoo. Observe some godmen on YouTube. Their hair care is second-to-none. As usual, women will have to work twice as hard and manage with just the hair on their heads. Make sure it flows down your back.
Make bold fashion choices
If hair alone were good enough, chimpanzees would be our spiritual guides. Clothing cannot be neglected. Crimson, magenta and gold are good colours. Accessorise with care. If you’re wearing diamonds, don’t be mingy. Flower tiaras are another popular favourite. Adopt a visual theme, like bridal, or Jesus Christ Superstar. Wear surprising headgear. People come for the spectacle. It’s your job to provide it.
Get a good uncle
Behind every great godman is a great uncle. While you take care of heaven, he takes care of earth. He provides seed capital. He manages revenue. He disposes of problems. Remember he has to be good with money, so a chartered accountant or someone with extensive experience in trading activities is preferable.
Hire early adopters
Once you have followers, you will be recognised as a godman. This is a simple rule. Credentials are rarely questioned. All you need are enough devotees to fill a long shot on TV. Once the nation sees you with a crowd this size, you will officially become a godman. In order to achieve quick success, the best thing to do is hire some. This is why a well-funded uncle is an essential early prerequisite.
In a kinder, gentler time, godmen would subsist on offerings from devotees. This is still a very good revenue stream, especially if they like to see you in jewelry. However, we live in an era of cutthroat competition. There are many other godmen competing for that share of wallet. What you need is a scalable product line. Most godmen have realized this. Some conduct workshops. Some charge for yoga lessons. Others sell herbal remedies. Personal care products and organic cafes are also good options.
Reinvent your childhood
People are not too inquisitive in India. A well-crafted backstory is rarely questioned. Early manifestations of divinity add credibility to your narrative. Let it be known that you were always a dreamy child, much loved by your neighbours. A brief trip to the Himalayas adds adventure to the mix. Signs of early promise would need to be vouched for.
Assist in childbirth
Since time immemorial, one of the key roles of godmen has been to help barren couples have children. The process is very simple. Since the problem is obviously the woman, she stays over with the godman, who gives her a special blessing. As a result of the special blessing, the woman is cured, and conceives shortly after. If you are a male aspirant, you will need to serve the community in this position.
Support local government
You must number amongst your devotees senior officials in the local government. Land acquisition is integral to your business model, and this requires their blessings. In this area, you will need to develop relationships based on give and take. They bless you. You bless them. Here too, as in so much else, uncle will play a crucial role.
Arrange for some white people
White people have vacated the throne, but they retain a big place in our hearts. You must ensure that you have some. People will be impressed. Plus in case of an unfortunate misunderstanding, which uncle will swiftly resolve, they make policemen nervous. In India, it’s better to have policemen nervous. When they’re confident, they become unmanageable.
If you follow these simple rules, your career as godman should flourish. All the best in your future endeavours, and remember, whatever you do, don’t let them in with mobile phones.